I found Jesus!

And if you are ever looking for him –or a stranger to make out with– I suggest you head to Rio de Janeiro.
That’s where Paul and I arrived in late February (apologies for the delay in posting this guest blog!), eager to join the Wertkinborns in commemorating Rio’s annual celebration/spectacle-of-debauchery known as “Carnival.” (Think Mardi Gras on steroids, with even more raucous Catholics.)
O Início (The Beginning)
We arrived to the Sheraton Rio, which we highly recommend. (If you are interested in the Starwood family of hotels, Bonnie Prober can provide additional information). There we joyfully reunited with Erin and Jeff, who greeted us with screams of “Carnival!”
Language lesson #1: Carnival is one of those magical, multi-meaning words, akin to Aloha or Shalom. Not only does it mean, Happy Carnival!, it also means (depending on tone and facial expression) Hello! Goodbye! Let’s celebrate! Let’s make out! and Let’s celebrate by making out!
First things first…I needed time in the sun. Compared to the Cariocas (Rio natives), I look albino. So, we hit the pool and beach, where I quickly learned that the official fruit of Brazil is not, as the guidebooks claim, the papaya. It’s the Banana. Hammock.

Holy speedos! In Rio, the boys are toned, tanned, and barely covered. Jeff coaxed me through this culture shock by introducing me to the caipirinha, Rio’s signature drink. It’s a delicious concoction of cachaça (very strong Brazilian liquor), lime, and sugar. Es Bon!
In Rio, it doesn’t take long to experience sensory overload. It’s not just the cachaça. There’s the constant drumbeat of samba music blaring from somewhere (most often a car’s disproportionately large speaker system). Everywhere you look –aside from the favelas (hillside slums)– there’s stunning beauty. The best part is simply the huge green hills at the edge of Rio’s white beaches, which are peppered with warm, welcoming, thong- and speedo-clad people.
To experience the city’s best view, we headed up to Corcovado, the site where “Christ the Redeemer” is perched. This 96-foot statute of J.C. is one of the seven wonders of the modern world. It’s impressive. But the view from Corcovado, which overlooks the entire city, is even better.

Erin and Jeff had arrived a few days earlier and were already well-assimilated. They pointed out key sections of the city, told us about the local hot spots they’d discovered, the natives and fellow travelers they’d met, and the great food they sampled. I told them about the Octo-mom.
After this strong beginning, the highlights of Carnival include….
Takin’ it to the streets…and the beach…and wherever else this pack of drunks are leading us.
A key hallmark of Carnival is the bloco – or block party. Sometimes it’s a roving pack of revelers. Sometimes the pack is stationary. But the key ingredients are always the same: sweaty mass of people, beer, some sort of parade-style float (yes, a 1980’s hatch-back with a 500-pound speaker system strapped to the top qualifies), and a song. A song that is played over and over and over again. While Americans employ this as a torture tactic, Brazilians love hearing a samba song played, without interruption, hundreds of times in a row.
We made like the locals and arrived to the bloco at the appointed hour (while nothing else in Rio appears to be particularly regimented, the blocos operate on a timely schedule). People assemble at bloco early to “concentrate.” This means drink. A bloco is not a good place to go if you “hate people” (as one of our companions, the lovely Mariza, disclosed when we found ourselves wedged, in 98-degree heat, between sweaty, barely-clothed, semi-drunk strangers while children sprayed fake snow on us.) The only reasonable thing to do upon arriving to a blanco is get the attention of one of the ubiquitous beer peddlers, chug a cold one, pray that no one in the crowd screams “fire,” and wait for the bloco to begin. Once everybody’s a couple of beers deep and go-time time arrives, the music starts, the “float” moves, and the sweaty mass starts dancing and shuffling along behind it. So, along with the girls (and boys) of Ipanema, we went walking. They took us to the beach — the favorite destination of Cariocas.
On Ipanema beach, many blocos converge. Our favorite was one we spotted that was sponsored by both the Secretary of Health and the Secretary of Education. What a worthwhile earmark!

Copacabana, Leblon, and Ipanema (Rio’s three main beaches) are packed with golden bodies, juice stands, and beer carts. You literally have to step over people to make your way toward the ocean. The adorable gays must wake up at dawn to secure the prime beach real estate, as those boys dominate the area closest to the water. The straight boys stick to the back of the beach where, away from the crowds, they can make out with strangers. Or funnel beers, which brings us to…
R.I.P. Corporate Jeff (2005-2009)
Something very strange has happened to our Jeff. Remember tie-wearing, schedule-creating, current events-reading, coffee-chugging, hygienic Jeff? He’s dead. Blame it on the Bossa Nova. Or the heat. But Jeff has given up coffee and news-reading (apparently, staying updated on the state of the U.S. economy is kind of a buzz killer). The nail in the coffin was watching as a group of young, inventive men invited us to drink beer from the well-used funnel they’d fashioned from the bare torso of a female mannequin. Jeff was the only one up for it. That’s right. Not Erin. Jeff.

International Incident!
Rio isn’t nearly as dangerous as we’d heard. But we did have one robbery attempt. The bad news is that Jeff’s super cool “wallet chain” was broken. The good news is that Jeff thwarted a would-be villain and nothing was stolen. The really good news is that Jeff will no longer be walking around with a long, silver chain linking his wallet to his belt loop.
Bring on the heart attack!
Actually, the most dangerous thing about Rio is the food. Come hungry for meat. That’s what she said. And if you’re really hungry, go to Porcão, a great restaurant we tried that serves every kind of meat (and other organs) you can imagine.
Everybody Samba! (Seriously, everybody.)
The highlight of Carnival was going to the Sambadrome, where the city’s top Samba schools compete in an all-night, parade-style dance off. There are thousands of dancers, which is why the Sambodromo lasts from 10pm until 7am.
As you may have heard, this was a banner year at the Sambadrome. History was made. And we were there to bear witness. Brazilian model Dani Sperle wore a samba outfit that covered just 1.2 inches of her body, breaking the world record for least amount of clothing worn.
http://pollianas.blogspot.com/2009/02/dani-sperle-breaks-carnaval-record.html
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/02/23/international/i114128S75.DTL
Many thanks to our “cousin” Bret Rosen and our local hosts Zack and Carolina for getting us amazing seats. Here are some great pictures from the night we attended the Sambadrome.
http://www.sacbee.com/static/weblogs/photos/2009/02/019970.html
Abrigada, Erin & Jeff!
We departed Rio on Ash Wednesday. For lent, Jeff has decided to give up practicing law. Erin decided to give up sitting at a desk all day. Yes, it was completely obnoxious.
The Wertkinborns are doing great. They’ve never looked better or more in love. Though we all miss them dearly, they are compiling great stories and incredible pictures. Let’s just hope another camera isn’t lost.
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